Buy or create?

I'm also struggling with a desire to buy a musical software update. I'd like to create some music, and maybe even do something meaningful with it (like release it on BandCamp or something). However, I'm also jealous of our finances-- I don't want to put the family in any financial risk, and there's no real need to do so.

So should I use what I have, or should I buy the upgrade (which is to software I did buy a long time ago, and really did use way back when)? I just don't really know.

And I could also write prose. However, I really don't have any ideas in that regard. But it would cost even less.

Or I could paint minis I own.

I just can't get anything moving, and that lack of forward progress is killing me. Even if I did release something, would I find it enough to satisfy, or would I just be upset that I'm not making something even more meaningful? And what is meaningful any more?

So here I type instead of doing my actual work. This isn't healthy either. Grrrr.

I didn't know how much I'd miss things. I do miss seeing people in person. I do miss my normal overloaded lifestyle.

I am happy for the slowdown. But I'm finding some things that used to make me happy just don't any more. I'm not enjoying teaching right now, even though I hated getting on the road at 6am.

I don't miss getting up early. I'm getting up at 7am, and it's totally an acceptable schedule for me. The house is asleep right now at 8:15, because the boys don't wake up unless it's an absolute mandate, and Levianne has opted for a later start to her work day.

I'm most upset by the fact that I'm not working on creative projects. I really thought I'd practice guitar more, or write music, or even paint minis. NONE of that is happening. I think it's just low-key depression. I'm able to get out of bed and get going on maintaining our household, so it's not so bad as some people. Every morning I'm the first one up, and I deal with the first load of dishes of the day (unloading from dinner the night before and loading up strays). I'm handling all of the laundry chores (except Anthony's laundry, as he's not real fond of that).

And then, last Sunday, shit hit me hard. I felt SO unhappy. I couldn't shake it.

And this Sunday, the same thing happened.

Something I'm really upset about is that in the intervening week, I spent 25 hours playing Fallout4. Now, I don't have anything in principle against video games. However, I've already played the hell out of F4. I didn't need to touch it again. And I decided to burn 25 hours on it. And 5 hours watching law and order reruns that I've seen multiple times before.

If I had put those 30 hours into something creative -- or at least half of those 30 hours -- I'd have something to show for this time. Instead, it's just burned.

I can't fix what's passed, given that it's about the burning of time. What I can do is vow to do better in the future.

I'm going to try to do better about getting my work done in a timely fashion, and doing some creative work.